Portfolio

What is a portfolio, if not something hastily thrown together because LinkedIn says a job you want has 96 applicants already.

Copywriting for Corporate Office Meatbags

Mission
Our mission at Genocide Consulting is to make your eyes glaze over in meetings. With our group of visionaries, entrepreneurs, and frat-boys snorting Adderall, we've somehow created a business for which you are willing to spend hundreds of dollars per hour. However, we know that if you know for even a second what we're talking about, you'll realize we're all full of shit. That's why we spent 45 minutes discussing the difference between "mission" and "vision" of a company. That's also why my dad paid for my MBA. At Genocide, you're family, because you're paying for my dirtbag son's MBA too. 

Here's some drivel I wrote for the Utah Jazz, the Liquid Death of the NBA

A Recap of Last Night's Tragic Events
The residents of Salt Lake City, Utah woke up this morning to find the sky had fallen, according to numerous online reports. Their frantic thumbs typed through no-doubt thunderous and damaging earthquakes leveling the city, leaving no question as to the cause of this boundless catastrophe. The Utah Jazz have lost 2 of their last 3 games, all but assuring the untimely end of a once-great franchise. Embarrassingly, the team was unable to overcome the New Orleans Pelicans’ 14-point lead in the game’s final minutes, managing a mere 16-3 run to bring the team within one point.

“These terrible crunch time decisions are really starting to worry me,” commented reddit user u/ChipsAhLoy from under the crumbled remains of his kitchen backsplash, “we had that game.”

As casualties were counted and mass graves were dug, the murmurs of blame and consequence were heard among survivors.

“Why tf did Conley flop man,” stuttered u/ramwalls as he warmed his bandaged hands by a barrel fire.

u/DoubtsAndHopes grimly responded, “No opening so pray for a foul. I'm really annoyed that's the best play Quin can set up lol.”

Crippled and afraid, residents ambled confused for hours following the night’s tragedy. Jazz fans, With no hope left, would need to find a leader to guide them on their long journey to recovery. This leader would need unparalleled charisma, cunning wit, and moderator permissions on the Utah Jazz subreddit. Luckily, that leader was found in u/EggoSlayer.

In his inaugural speech as chairman of the Jazzpocolypse reparations committee, u/EggoSlayer delivered a clear and concise message for the future: “Donovan has to be way more efficient if we’re going to stay on top. We can't handle having a ton of these games where he's not shooting well.”

Many questions remain for the victims of Monday night’s tragic loss. How could they dispose of their now-worthless Jazz memorabilia? When would humanitarian aid arrive? How exactly does one replace a fallen sky? (u/EggoSlayer suggested a pulley system)

Two things, however, are for sure. With a record of 27-8, the Utah Jazz are somehow still the #1 team In the league, 3 games ahead of the Los Angeles Lakers. On Wednesday, the team will travel to Philadelphia to play the 23-12 76ers. That night, one can only hope, people will remember to sleep in their fallout shelters.

Things Continue (2017)

Acrylic, Gesso on Concrete

SOLD — $1,200